This just in: capitalist bootlickers snapped in orgy of factoids

Although I celebrated the NYT’s awakening interest in actual news, the foreign policy thumbsuckers are still reassuring bits of canned Reaganism, mixed with doleful cries that some country x hasn’t destroyed their labor unions and privatized their economy in order to create a funnel of wealth to entertain the top one percentile.

Thus, we have a truly splendidly, sidesplittingly stupid article entitled: FINANCIAL CRISIS PUTS EUROPE BACK IN THE SLOW LANE.

What is meant by the slow lane? The slow lane signifies that predatory bloodsucking Wall street types – oh, I mean, the great gray makers of the world’s wealth! – aren’t going to be able to go in with the forks and knives and make European worker’s lives a living hell, destroy social mobility, and privatize social services, thus amping up big Pharma profits. I’m crying!

‘Two years ago, Europe was growing more rapidly than the United States, and the Old Continent finally seemed prepared to tackle longstanding economic challenges like rigid labor markets, runaway government spending and a rapidly aging population.
But as Asia and the United States emerge from the global economic crisis, Europe appears likely to be the world’s laggard, threatening a return to the dark days of “Eurosclerosis.” Leaders who once spoke optimistically of fundamental changes aimed at enhancing productivity have turned to the more prosaic tasks of protecting jobs and avoiding painful political choices.”

I’m not sure what tackling a rapidly aging population means – I suppose Death panels. But we know that whenever rigid labor markets are mentioned, what that really means is destroying the sources of median household income in order that the reptilian class can expand its power. However, poor Europe. As the U.S. “emerges” from the global economic crisis (an emergence powered by a marvelously non rigid labor market that is currently at 17 percent U unemployment), Europe, incredibly, is not laying off its working population and cutting the funds to luxuries like education. And thus, the EU does not have the proud 9 trillion dollar future deficit that Americans can rely on as they cut the gov down to bitesize, and smash American living standards to Somalian levels – where the labor markets are so flexible you can practically twist them with your hands!

This part will surely make you weep, however. It is sad, so sad – those Europeans could be like Californians! But no, behold the bad news:

"When he was elected president of France in 2007, Nicolas Sarkozy spoke of the need for a “rupture,” including the loosening of a highly regulated labor market to better compete in the global economy.
But now, “President Sarkozy has gone, if not 180 degrees, then at least 90 degrees in the opposite direction,” said Charles Wyplosz, director of the International Center for Monetary and Banking Studies in Geneva. “The things he talked about then still need to be done if we want to have growth, but the crisis has slowed some of the impetus for change.”

In Germany, Angela Merkel, who was elected last month to a second term as chancellor, has also avoided taking on the country’s powerful unions and its regional banks. She has embraced the “social market economy” and has insisted that there is no alternative to relying on exports rather than consumers to drive growth.”

Ah, what is lovely here isn't just the gross ignorance. We are used to that. It is the tone, the more in sorrow tone, like that of an undertaker who has just had a likely corpse snatched from his grasp. Germany (sob) still (sob) manufactures things, instead of putting many many fine knickknacks from Walmart on their 17 to 19 percent per annum charge cards! And Sarkozy didn’t roll back the Socialist triumph of the 35 hour work week. Why, it makes me want to go to the club and beat the shoeshine boy! How can such things be?

All of this, of course, is to insulate us from unpleasant facts:
“To be sure, the American economy is not out of the woods yet, either, with unemployment still on the rise, homeowners still burdened by mortgage debts and Washington offering few details about how it will cure its own huge government deficits.

But the euro’s recent surge against the dollar mostly reflects higher interest rates on the Continent rather than optimism about Europe’s prospects, and the stronger currency actually makes European exports less competitive globally.”
To be sure! In fact, to be sure, lackies like the two writers of this fluff, fluff unworthy of the Pravda, probably have a higher chance of being unemployed next year than their counterparts on, say, the FAZ. But until that blessed moment comes, they will lick the loafers of the Wall Street set with the full meat of their tongue. Do a good job boys.